#6: Fear and Self-Loathing

I’ve got a massive hangover. My head is literally pounding. Probably not the best time to write a blog post. But here I am. Bashing away.

It’s times like these when I particularly hate myself. Not for drinking too much last night (although a dash of self restraint wouldn’t have gone amiss). But for being…well…me.

I hate the skin I’m in. I hate the things I’ve done. I hate the things I haven’t done. I hate the world I’m in, and quite frankly, I hate myself for not doing more about it.

I’m fearful, too. I don’t like where we’ve come from, and I sure as hell don’t like where we’re heading. Sadly, fear simply feeds the hate.

It breeds uncertainty as well. All is well in my lovely ivory tower (a.k.a. University). My £14,500 PhD living allowance is keeping me warm and well fed. I’m due another payment in the new year, which should keep me on nicely. Meanwhile, homelessness litters the campus streets, and on the way back to my cosy 1 bed flat, the best I can muster is a “Sorry, mate” as I walk past with a pocket full of change.

And here’s me moaning about a chuffing hangover.

I’ve been listening to a lot of LBC lately. If you’re ever wanting something to be mad about, I’d strongly recommend it. That is, assuming that you aren’t like Monday’s caller to Nick Ferrari’s Monday morning show this week, who, in response to a poorly-judged tweet by the Northern Ireland police force, genuinely uttered the words,

“Women shouldn’t be worried about when men want to kiss them; they should be more concerned when men don’t want to kiss them.”

Seriously. He said that on live radio. Like, what the fucking fuck.

But it’s alright, everyone! Because I’m doing a PhD. I’m gonna make a difference. With this bit of paper, and these journal articles, I’m gonna take on the world.

I’m not even sure if I’m being serious or not.

What I am serious about, however, is trying to use my position and my relatively good fortune to empower. If I can do that with this PhD, then it won’t just be a bit of paper at the end of it all. It’ll be something more. Holding people to account and encouraging others to do the same. That’s what I’m about. I might not always give change to that bloke on the street, but I’ll sure as hell question the powers and policies that leave him stranded there.

Still. I probably should do more. And I do often wonder why I don’t.

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